Kiss his left knee!
He’ll LITERALLY never think the hug was awkward again,
The deal with 8am classes is, you mostly just have to be there. If you don’t want to get out of bed, I would recommend taking your sleeping bag and pillow and camping out overnight in the classroom. That way, you will most definitely be in the classroom at 8 am, and aint nobody gonna judge you on punctuality.
You may not be conscious, but hey, who even cares about that at 8 am anyways?
Dear Boring Meals,
Have you ever heard of arm fish?
It would make a delicious meal and provide for interesting dinner conversation. Just a suggestion.
Dear Ramened Out,
The dinner experience is partly what you eat and partly the atmosphere in which you eat it. Instead of changing up what you eat (because lets face it, you’re a creature of habit and college is the only time you can take in that much sodium anyway), change the atmosphere. To do this effectively, I would recommend blindfolding your roommates and forcing them to eat the ramen with their fingers.
Dear Toilet Troublee,
You should be thankful for the problems that you have. Currently, we have the world’s worst toilet paper, and its too transparent to tell if its up for down, so I don’t really know what to tell you.
The Babes of 204
Dear Clean Butt,
P.S. Sorry I didn’t see this until now and save you earlier from the horrors of misdirected toilet paper.
Dear Apathetic About Activities,
Here are some things you can become an expert at pretty quickly:
1. Medical care! You can enroll in the ER-certified program from Dunce To Doctor In Five Minutes and become an expert in diagnosing medical problems. (Note: Must have a smartphone and be willing to download the WebMD app)
2. Feminism! All you have to do is pick out a Sun Star article and accuse the newspaper of sexual harassment, promoting rape culture and violating title 9. Feminist status achieved. You might even get a job teaching feminism at UAF.
3. The Icelandic Language! I heard it’s one of the hardest languages to learn because of incredibly complex grammatical rules, but yolo.
Have fun keeping yourself occupied!
Dear Hobby Hunter,
So, you’re looking for ways to fill in extra time while having absolutely no skills? You have found the right blog! We are masters at killing time. My personal favorite means of staying busy is baking cookies (If you’ve read any of our other posts, you probably could have inferred this) Unfortunately, baking requires the presence of an oven, and sometimes you aren’t in the kitchen. (Gender stereotypes aside, we usually don’t have this problem)
So here is another travel-friendly way to keep busy: Get a Gameboy Advance and start playing the old Pokèmon games. Catch ‘em all. That should occupy you for a few years.
Also, when Elika said “ER certified”, that meant “Elika Roohi certified”. Do not try to handle problems in an emergency room with a WebMD app.
Dear Despondent About Distance,
You should run headfirst into the wall and give yourself a concussion!
Then you’ll just have that pain to focus on for the next month, and not the pain of being away from your BF.
Dear Fearful of Physics,
DON’T! There’s a lot of stuff you could do instead of studying. For instance, certain members here at Your Life Sucks Inc. have chosen to do the following:
1. Start watching a new, 5-season tv show on Netflix in binge quantities
2. Make and consume several pounds of bacon for breakfast
3. Use our amateur investigative skills to figure out who killed that snowman we made in our back yard.
4. Buy things compulsively online, and research Craigslist for pets that you aren’t allowed to own while living on campus. Plan ways to sneak them into your entryway.
Hopefully, this will give you some ideas of where to get started in your non-studious activities!
Dear Studious Stud,
You shouldn’t worry about studying for finals. That’s really not a big deal compared to the importance of EATING ALL THE FOOD IN YOUR FRIDGE BEFORE YOU GO HOME FOR BREAK. Seriously. What’s a couple failed classes compared to rotten spinach, spoiled milk, or worse—wasted food!
Instead of studying, you should put your culinary skills to work. Find a way to use the frozen peas, leftover hamburger meat, strawberry jam, mayonnaise, and 14 boiled potatoes into something edible and delicious. If you’re still worried about grades, or whatever, you could give a sample of your masterpiece to all the teachers to try to up your grade.
Dear Perplexed by Presents,
I have no idea what you should get for Christmas, but if you want to get us any of these things for Christmas, that would be great:
Denali, the cold-hearted one, wants feelings. Because if she had feelings, she would want kittens (even though she’s allergic). You should just get her a package deal!
Valerie wants babe power and smartwool tights that are size large because her butt is pretty sizeable and great. Also, more friends because most of her friends are graduating this year.
Celie wants dinosaur sprinkles (for ferocious cake!). Also after watching Jurassic Park, Celie wants a live dinosaur (it has to be real).
Elika wants a live rhino, and maybe a kitten after Denali gets some feelings. Also, a bigger butt (she just wants to be like her roommates, who all have hella badonkadonks).
Thanks in advance,
Celie, Elika, Valerie and Denali
This isn’t a question for advice. This is just a question asking if something is possible, and the answer is yes.
Dear Shunned by Scorpions,
WHAT THE HECK YOU HAVE SCORPIONS AND YOU LET THEM ESCAPE?
If you manage to get them back, here’s my advice:
Attach magnets to their bodies, so next time they get loose you can just pull out a giant magnet and they’ll all just zoom back!
Dear Scorpion Daddy,
I think your scorpions are probably scared of you. You need to be the least intimidating possible for them to approach you, which means play dead. They will probably approach you then, and start eating your flesh, at which point, I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe you should have chosen a different pet.
Dear Aspiring Babe,
For the most part, you have to be born with it. You can, however, refine your babe skills and achieve near-natural babeliness. “Babe skills” include, but are by no means limited to:
-Baking amazing cookies that can be quantified in ‘k’s (We are at 1.2k this semester)
-Being really melodramatic (Laying on the couch whining about how you’re going to die alone is a good start)
-Wearing stretchy pants for weeks at a time (You should be able to sleep, workout and go to class/work in one outfit)
-Calling everyone you know “BABE”. (Your professors, your boss, your dad, whatever)
Best of luck, Babe
Dear Cutie Pie,
No fear, I shall EAT VALERIE’S SPECIAL PIES for you.
Dear Stumped by Saliva,
We suggest completely dehydrating yourself. Just avoid all liquids and soon you won’t be making any either!
If that doesn’t work, trying lining your mouth with sponges. What’s a little squirrel-chic in the face of not coughing anymore?
Go find your hairbrush. Peel all the hair off of it and wad it in a ball. Then put it in your pocket. Next time you find yourself in a coughing fit and about to finish it off, just throw the hairball on the ground.
I mean cats do it all the time, am I right?