Your Life Sucks, Bro

A bad advice blog by Denali, Valerie, Elika and Celie
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Asker Anonymous Asks:
Long distance relationships. Worth it?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

I’ve heard that love it worth it. But I’ve also heard various opinions on which way to put a baby when they’re sleeping, so I’m not sure if I would make my life decisions according to conventional wisdom.

Luckily you’ve got us!

My advice is that distance isn’t worth it, but love is. And with the help of super glue and streamers you can save your relationship! Just move to whereever your significant other is, glue all of your pants together at the leg (so it’s like a non-stop three-legged race at the Father’s Day fair in a small down), and then make that shit festive as balls with tons of streamers and confetti! 

You’re stuck together forever and it will be a party. This is what love is about, I think.

Best,

Elika

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I know who murdered your snowman all punjabi style... For a price, I can divulge babes... Xxxoxxoox...o
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

For a price you can divulge babes? Or for a price you can divulge, babes?

Grammar is important. But tbh either way I’m interested.

Let’s rendezvous at midnight on the roof and we can work out an arrangement then. I’ll be the one wearing a black beret.

xoxo Elika

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, are all of you single? If so, how would one go about courting each one of you babes?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Babe Seeker,

You must not court one of us, we are a package deal.  And you will LITERALLY have to DEAL with it.  We are never single, since we all have each other and that is all we need.  Some of us can open jars, others can eat provided meals, and we can grill some meat.

With like (because my love is already taken),

Denali

P.S. We do not have a grill, so if you do it might be a useful commodity. 

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, I just had a really awkward hug with a really cute boy. How can I recover from this horrific event?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Kiss his left knee!

He’ll LITERALLY never think the hug was awkward again,

Denali

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Hello. How do I become a wizard?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:
Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, I have an 8am class that totally blows. I am NOT a morning person, and I don't even want to get out of bed. How do I fix this?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear sleepyhead,

The deal with 8am classes is, you mostly just have to be there. If you don’t want to get out of bed, I would recommend taking your sleeping bag and pillow and camping out overnight in the classroom. That way, you will most definitely be in the classroom at 8 am, and aint nobody gonna judge you on punctuality.

You may not be conscious, but hey, who even cares about that at 8 am anyways?

Happy zzzzs,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, My roommates and I take turns cooking dinner. Lately I've run out of ideas, and I don't think they'll appreciate it if they get a ramen noodle variant for the third time. What should I cook!?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Boring Meals,

Have you ever heard of arm fish?

It would make a delicious meal and provide for interesting dinner conversation. Just a suggestion.

Best,

Elika

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Ramened Out,

The dinner experience is partly what you eat and partly the atmosphere in which you eat it. Instead of changing up what you eat (because lets face it, you’re a creature of habit and college is the only time you can take in that much sodium anyway), change the atmosphere. To do this effectively, I would recommend blindfolding your roommates and forcing them to eat the ramen with their fingers.

Bon apetit,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Toilet paper up, or toilet paper down?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Toilet Troublee, 

You should be thankful for the problems that you have. Currently, we have the world’s worst toilet paper, and its too transparent to tell if its up for down, so I don’t really know what to tell you. 

Best, 

The Babes of 204

_______________________________________

Dear Clean Butt,

UP.

Denali

P.S. Sorry I didn’t see this until now and save you earlier from the horrors of misdirected toilet paper.

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, I need a hobby, one that doesn't require years to master, and is semi interesting. Any suggestions? Thanks!
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Apathetic About Activities,

Here are some things you can become an expert at pretty quickly:

1. Medical care! You can enroll in the ER-certified program from Dunce To Doctor In Five Minutes and become an expert in diagnosing medical problems. (Note: Must have a smartphone and be willing to download the WebMD app)

2. Feminism! All you have to do is pick out a Sun Star article and accuse the newspaper of sexual harassment, promoting rape culture and violating title 9. Feminist status achieved. You might even get a job teaching feminism at UAF.

3. The Icelandic Language! I heard it’s one of the hardest languages to learn because of incredibly complex grammatical rules, but yolo.

Have fun keeping yourself occupied!

Best,

Elika

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Dear Hobby Hunter, 

So, you’re looking for ways to fill in extra time while having absolutely no skills? You have found the right blog! We are masters at killing time. My personal favorite means of staying busy is baking cookies (If you’ve read any of our other posts, you probably could have inferred this) Unfortunately, baking requires the presence of an oven, and sometimes you aren’t in the kitchen. (Gender stereotypes aside, we usually don’t have this problem)

So here is another travel-friendly way to keep busy: Get a Gameboy Advance and start playing the old Pokèmon games. Catch ‘em all. That should occupy you for a few years. 

Best, 
Celie

Also, when Elika said “ER certified”, that meant “Elika Roohi certified”. Do not try to handle problems in an emergency room with a WebMD app.

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, I am away from my significant other over the Christmas break. What should a I do to survive the time away from him?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Despondent About Distance,

You should run headfirst into the wall and give yourself a concussion!

Then you’ll just have that pain to focus on for the next month, and not the pain of being away from your BF.

Problem solved,

Elika

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, My physics final is scary and I don't really want to study. What should I do?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Fearful of Physics,

DON’T! There’s a lot of stuff you could do instead of studying. For instance, certain members here at Your Life Sucks Inc. have chosen to do the following:

1. Start watching a new, 5-season tv show on Netflix in binge quantities

2. Make and consume several pounds of bacon for breakfast

3. Use our amateur investigative skills to figure out who killed that snowman we made in our back yard.

4. Buy things compulsively online, and research Craigslist for pets that you aren’t allowed to own while living on campus. Plan ways to sneak them into your entryway.

Hopefully, this will give you some ideas of where to get started in your non-studious activities!

Yours Truly,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, What's the best method of studying for finals?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Studious Stud,

You shouldn’t worry about studying for finals. That’s really not a big deal compared to the importance of EATING ALL THE FOOD IN YOUR FRIDGE BEFORE YOU GO HOME FOR BREAK. Seriously. What’s a couple failed classes compared to rotten spinach, spoiled milk, or worse—wasted food!

Instead of studying, you should put your culinary skills to work. Find a way to use the frozen peas, leftover hamburger meat, strawberry jam, mayonnaise, and 14 boiled potatoes into something edible and delicious. If you’re still worried about grades, or whatever, you could give a sample of your masterpiece to all the teachers to try to up your grade.

Happy cooking,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, Every year my family asks what I want for Christmas, and I'm not sure what to ask for, what do you recommend? Thanks a lot!
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Perplexed by Presents,

I have no idea what you should get for Christmas, but if you want to get us any of these things for Christmas, that would be great:

Denali, the cold-hearted one, wants feelings. Because if she had feelings, she would want kittens (even though she’s allergic). You should just get her a package deal!

Valerie wants babe power and smartwool tights that are size large because her butt is pretty sizeable and great. Also, more friends because most of her friends are graduating this year.

Celie wants dinosaur sprinkles (for ferocious cake!). Also after watching Jurassic Park, Celie wants a live dinosaur (it has to be real).

Elika wants a live rhino, and maybe a kitten after Denali gets some feelings. Also, a bigger butt (she just wants to be like her roommates, who all have hella badonkadonks).

Thanks in advance,

Celie, Elika, Valerie and Denali

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I am a girl and just got friend zoned by a guy. Can he even do that?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

This isn’t a question for advice. This is just a question asking if something is possible, and the answer is yes.

Semantically yours,

Elika

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I don't know what to do! A book fell off of my shelf and onto my scorpion aquarium, breaking the top and giving all six of my babies a bridge to the outside. I only found two of them in my room. I was very thorough, I think the others got into the vents. How should I get my cuties back? I don't think they know how to survive without daddy.
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Shunned by Scorpions,

WHAT THE HECK YOU HAVE SCORPIONS AND YOU LET THEM ESCAPE?

If you manage to get them back, here’s my advice:

Attach magnets to their bodies, so next time they get loose you can just pull out a giant magnet and they’ll all just zoom back! 

Best!

Elika

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Dear Scorpion Daddy,

I think your scorpions are probably scared of you. You need to be the least intimidating possible for them to approach you, which means play dead. They will probably approach you then, and start eating your flesh, at which point, I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe you should have chosen a different pet.

Sincerely,

Valerie