Your Life Sucks, Bro

A bad advice blog by Denali, Valerie, Elika and Celie
Asker Anonymous Asks:
Hey ladies! Curly Q for ya: I consistently cannot take naps because when I get up from a nap I find that A) I slept restlessly anyway B) I am more tired than before (it doesn't matter if the nap was 20 minutes or 2 hours) and C) I usually have a raging headache. Needless to say I don't really like naps because of these side effects, which is sad because I feel like a as a 20 something or other, I DESERVE ONE! What should I do instead that would be relaxing/fun and absolutely not involve effort?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Napster,

Naps are for losers and narcoleptics. Suck it up and start doing something more babely, like Zumba or making the world’s largest snow fort. The only acceptable time to nap is when you fall down from exhaustion, and I don’t think you’ve reached your limit yet.

Yours truly,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
So. Babes. (Can I call you Babes?) Is ice cream and beer an appropriate response to being awesome? Also, what should you do if you get trapped watching all of Star Trek: The Next Generation (and maaayyybbbeeee trap your roommate too?)
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Babe,

First of all, we are babes, so calling us as such is perfectly accurate.

Ice cream and beer aren’t really a response to anything. They are just food products. An accurate response to being awesome is a wink, with one of those dinging noises in the background. Beer and ice cream are appropriate as celebratory food products, unless you are a group of awesome people who also happen to be lactose intolerant alcoholics, in which case that is not a very appropriate celebratory food.

In order to answer your third question accurately, we need more information on the nature of your trappings. Are handcuffs involved? Rope? Laser beams? Regardless, I would advise you to get a good high-speed internet provider, and possibly a knife or lock pick set or something.

Sincerely,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I feel like we (your public) havent received any advice lately: Ive been feeling kind of lost as a result. Help?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Babe.

Bad advice columns, like relationships, are give and take. We don’t give unless we get some. Questions, that is.

If this blog was a relationship, the public and the babes that give them advice would be one of those couples that are always “together, but kind of broken up right now.” If you want that to change, you know what to do: Ask us your questions, and we will see if we can reignite the flame of horrible advice and tough love from the scattered Babes of 204.

Ball’s in your court now, (haha, balls)

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Long distance relationships. Worth it?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

I’ve heard that love it worth it. But I’ve also heard various opinions on which way to put a baby when they’re sleeping, so I’m not sure if I would make my life decisions according to conventional wisdom.

Luckily you’ve got us!

My advice is that distance isn’t worth it, but love is. And with the help of super glue and streamers you can save your relationship! Just move to whereever your significant other is, glue all of your pants together at the leg (so it’s like a non-stop three-legged race at the Father’s Day fair in a small down), and then make that shit festive as balls with tons of streamers and confetti! 

You’re stuck together forever and it will be a party. This is what love is about, I think.

Best,

Elika

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I know who murdered your snowman all punjabi style... For a price, I can divulge babes... Xxxoxxoox...o
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

For a price you can divulge babes? Or for a price you can divulge, babes?

Grammar is important. But tbh either way I’m interested.

Let’s rendezvous at midnight on the roof and we can work out an arrangement then. I’ll be the one wearing a black beret.

xoxo Elika

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, are all of you single? If so, how would one go about courting each one of you babes?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Babe Seeker,

You must not court one of us, we are a package deal.  And you will LITERALLY have to DEAL with it.  We are never single, since we all have each other and that is all we need.  Some of us can open jars, others can eat provided meals, and we can grill some meat.

With like (because my love is already taken),

Denali

P.S. We do not have a grill, so if you do it might be a useful commodity. 

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, I just had a really awkward hug with a really cute boy. How can I recover from this horrific event?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Kiss his left knee!

He’ll LITERALLY never think the hug was awkward again,

Denali

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Hello. How do I become a wizard?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:
Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, I have an 8am class that totally blows. I am NOT a morning person, and I don't even want to get out of bed. How do I fix this?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear sleepyhead,

The deal with 8am classes is, you mostly just have to be there. If you don’t want to get out of bed, I would recommend taking your sleeping bag and pillow and camping out overnight in the classroom. That way, you will most definitely be in the classroom at 8 am, and aint nobody gonna judge you on punctuality.

You may not be conscious, but hey, who even cares about that at 8 am anyways?

Happy zzzzs,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, My roommates and I take turns cooking dinner. Lately I've run out of ideas, and I don't think they'll appreciate it if they get a ramen noodle variant for the third time. What should I cook!?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Boring Meals,

Have you ever heard of arm fish?

It would make a delicious meal and provide for interesting dinner conversation. Just a suggestion.

Best,

Elika

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Ramened Out,

The dinner experience is partly what you eat and partly the atmosphere in which you eat it. Instead of changing up what you eat (because lets face it, you’re a creature of habit and college is the only time you can take in that much sodium anyway), change the atmosphere. To do this effectively, I would recommend blindfolding your roommates and forcing them to eat the ramen with their fingers.

Bon apetit,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Toilet paper up, or toilet paper down?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Toilet Troublee, 

You should be thankful for the problems that you have. Currently, we have the world’s worst toilet paper, and its too transparent to tell if its up for down, so I don’t really know what to tell you. 

Best, 

The Babes of 204

_______________________________________

Dear Clean Butt,

UP.

Denali

P.S. Sorry I didn’t see this until now and save you earlier from the horrors of misdirected toilet paper.

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, I need a hobby, one that doesn't require years to master, and is semi interesting. Any suggestions? Thanks!
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Apathetic About Activities,

Here are some things you can become an expert at pretty quickly:

1. Medical care! You can enroll in the ER-certified program from Dunce To Doctor In Five Minutes and become an expert in diagnosing medical problems. (Note: Must have a smartphone and be willing to download the WebMD app)

2. Feminism! All you have to do is pick out a Sun Star article and accuse the newspaper of sexual harassment, promoting rape culture and violating title 9. Feminist status achieved. You might even get a job teaching feminism at UAF.

3. The Icelandic Language! I heard it’s one of the hardest languages to learn because of incredibly complex grammatical rules, but yolo.

Have fun keeping yourself occupied!

Best,

Elika

————————————————————————-

Dear Hobby Hunter, 

So, you’re looking for ways to fill in extra time while having absolutely no skills? You have found the right blog! We are masters at killing time. My personal favorite means of staying busy is baking cookies (If you’ve read any of our other posts, you probably could have inferred this) Unfortunately, baking requires the presence of an oven, and sometimes you aren’t in the kitchen. (Gender stereotypes aside, we usually don’t have this problem)

So here is another travel-friendly way to keep busy: Get a Gameboy Advance and start playing the old Pokèmon games. Catch ‘em all. That should occupy you for a few years. 

Best, 
Celie

Also, when Elika said “ER certified”, that meant “Elika Roohi certified”. Do not try to handle problems in an emergency room with a WebMD app.

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, I am away from my significant other over the Christmas break. What should a I do to survive the time away from him?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Despondent About Distance,

You should run headfirst into the wall and give yourself a concussion!

Then you’ll just have that pain to focus on for the next month, and not the pain of being away from your BF.

Problem solved,

Elika

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, My physics final is scary and I don't really want to study. What should I do?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Fearful of Physics,

DON’T! There’s a lot of stuff you could do instead of studying. For instance, certain members here at Your Life Sucks Inc. have chosen to do the following:

1. Start watching a new, 5-season tv show on Netflix in binge quantities

2. Make and consume several pounds of bacon for breakfast

3. Use our amateur investigative skills to figure out who killed that snowman we made in our back yard.

4. Buy things compulsively online, and research Craigslist for pets that you aren’t allowed to own while living on campus. Plan ways to sneak them into your entryway.

Hopefully, this will give you some ideas of where to get started in your non-studious activities!

Yours Truly,

Valerie

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Dear YLSB, What's the best method of studying for finals?
yourlifesucksbro yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Studious Stud,

You shouldn’t worry about studying for finals. That’s really not a big deal compared to the importance of EATING ALL THE FOOD IN YOUR FRIDGE BEFORE YOU GO HOME FOR BREAK. Seriously. What’s a couple failed classes compared to rotten spinach, spoiled milk, or worse—wasted food!

Instead of studying, you should put your culinary skills to work. Find a way to use the frozen peas, leftover hamburger meat, strawberry jam, mayonnaise, and 14 boiled potatoes into something edible and delicious. If you’re still worried about grades, or whatever, you could give a sample of your masterpiece to all the teachers to try to up your grade.

Happy cooking,

Valerie