Dear Stumped by Saliva,
We suggest completely dehydrating yourself. Just avoid all liquids and soon you won’t be making any either!
If that doesn’t work, trying lining your mouth with sponges. What’s a little squirrel-chic in the face of not coughing anymore?
I’m sure she had good intentions. You should handle this by giving her a big hug when you get back, and not relieving yourself on any of her belongings.
PS You do know that literally everyone has been peeing on your car for 2 months, right?
Nooooooo! More questions! Giving advice is my only joy in life………..
Dear Dumb About Date Ideas,
Here are some highlights from my relationship history that are great ideas and worked out really well for me!
1. Invite your S.O. over to your house to hangout. Awkwardly eat pita bread and hummus with your parents.
2. Go on a date to the movies. On the drive over, run out of things to talk about and bring up that you used to get headaches a lot out of sheer desperation to fill the silence. Your date is utterly befuddled and you will have nothing to follow it up with.
3. Say yes when someone asks you to marry him in the cookie aisle of the Safeway.
These are just three things to get you started with!
In my extensive romantic history, I’ve found one new-relationship move to be really effective.
You should take her to a nice place (dining halls and parking lots seem to be popular) and unceremoniously break up with her.
At the early stages of a relationship, its really important to know how committed the other person is. If she begs you to come back, that’s commitment. If she doesn’t, she’s an independent woman and a keeper.
Hopefully she’ll take you back, but if not, well, then you don’t have a girlfriend and that’s not the worst thing either.
Dear Broken as the Bourgeois,
I’m guessing you’re going for an answer that isn’t “live with it” right?
Ok, here’s what I would do: bribe your youngest-but-still-pretty-tech-savvy cousin with candy. Also, maybe offer to take them to the movies with you once or twice (cousin bonding is great!). Chances are, he or she learned how to fix a phone screen in 5th grade from youtube and chances are also good that he or she has accomplished much more than you in your longer life.
Luckily you’ll have an intact phone screen to see the answer to the question “what am I doing I’m 21 and I just built a snowman at 1 a.m. with my roommate and I have to go to school tomorrow help” when you google it.
You should deal with this by pretending that the sun doesn’t exist, and sleeping through all the daylight. (This is literally like 4 hours, so no big deal) After a few days, you will forget all about sunshine and you won’t even remember what you’re missing, kind of like one of those junk-food cleanse things. (Which I’ve always hard-core failed at, but you inevitably have more willpower than me, because basically everybody does)
If you have classes during daylight hours, you can pretend that those don’t exist either. YOLO
Also take your Vitamin D
You can’t have pets in the dorms? Whoops.
the Animals of 204
Did you know married housing is allowed to have pets? True story. If you live in the dorms now, you’re presumably over 18 and unmarried.
I think you know where I’m going with this.
Dear Concerned about Critchett,
UP YOUR BUTT!!!!!
Kidding—she’s in Texas warming up the contiguous United States with her hot body (we hear there’s a cold front down there).
She’ll be back late tonight, and then we’re going to make a post-Thanksgiving turkey, and answer more of your questions with our characteristically great ideas so keep them coming!
I’m glad you answered this question, because I’ve spent the past few days wandering the apartment, calling her name and asking all her pet dinosaurs where she’s gone. I guess I can stop doing that now.
Dear Lost Mountaineer,
Denali is in the Alaska Range, at 63°04’10”N, 151°00’27”W and is roughly 20,073 ft tall.
Liberal arts people, amirite?
Dear Flan Fan,
The most effective way to avoid swallowing horrific food is a method I like to call Guppy Mouth. Guppy Mouth consists of the following steps:
1. Get into the habit of smiling innocently with your lips closed. Practicing in the mirror helps.
2. Put all of the offending food into your mouth, but don’t swallow. Just sit there with it sitting inside your mouth. Smile like we practiced.
3. Act normal, but without talking.
4. As the opportunity arises, make your way to the nearest window and spit out the food. If no windows are readily available, toilets can be a substitute.
If people ask why you just spit up food, here are some good responses:
I’m in my 4th week, this baby’s a picky eater!
Goo Goo Gaaaabababaaa (babies spit up all the time; nobody cares)
There were, like, 50 calories in that bite alone. I need to go to the gym.
There is one problem with Guppy Mouth, but you won’t have to worry about it until spring, when the rotting food outside the window starts to attract flies.
Happy “eating” ;)
I really don’t see what the problem is. This sounds like an opportunity for multitasking to me. Need to learn about Natural Gas? Let the learning really sink in as you experience it first hand. Focused on digestion in your Anatomy class? Each plop will bring you all that much closer to a 100%. Worried about geography? Get a shower curtain that has the countries of the world, and then you never actually have to stop pooping. Which is really the best state anyone could ever ask for.
Dear Worldly Friend,
The secret to close bonds is hugging, which is why long distance relationships of any nature are really hard. Christmas cards do not compare to hugs, but cookies do. Bake them cookies and mail them all over the world. You’ll also have to hella express ship them, because nothing screams dying friendship like stale cookies.
I know you’re thinking “How on Earth will I make cookies as amazing as the YLSB babes??”, to which I say: Triple the salt. For real.
Easy: Its because you wear banana peels as shoes. Stop doing that.
You’re going about this all wrong. Love is eternal. So basically, you’ll never actually get over her. You have to win her back.
Women find persistence really sexy. No matter how many times you may have tried to re-win her affections, KEEP TRYING. Eventually, she will give in. Or get a restraining order.
Dear Unable to Forget,
Amnesia is one of those things that sounds terrible until you actually have something you want to forget. I would try hitting your head with a heavy, solid object. Aim for the temporal lobe. Once amnesia sets in, every woman you meet will be new. To you, at least.
Here is a 4-step process to getting as many compliments as Celie:
1. Learn how to make a mean red curry coconut soup. This one is easy, you can do it in the crockpot!
2. Get a one-eyed puppy. Dress your puppy up in a pirate costume and take pictures of him or her. Set that picture as your iPhone background. Bring it up to everyone you meet.
3. Step up your eyebrow game. Celie, like all people in the world who get tons of compliments, has great eyebrows. Enroll in eyebrow-perfecting classes if needed.
4. And finally, be the ultimate babe. This is sort of like perfect pitch, either you have it or you don’t. But without the babe cred, you will never be complimented as much as Celie.
Best of luck,
Instead of the grueling steps above (Seriously- eyebrows this great are hella time consuming) just do what I do and write them yourself. If you run out of ideas, send the link to your mom, cause she probably thinks you’re great too.