Your Life Sucks, Bro

Anonymous Asks:

YLSB, I'm going on a most Epic extended excursion to South America. I'll be in a hot climate and a cooler climate at two different times, but I'll only have one bag to fit two different wardrobes in. What should I bring?

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Shaun,

Obviously just pack your one sweatshirt that you wear all the time. And then summer clothes. If it rains, wear a trashbag. Crisis solved!

Elika

Anonymous Asks:

Hello! So I am away for the summer time and trying to make friends in a different city. What should I do to attract friends?

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Friendless,

Probably the best course of action is to show them your strengths. Hugging them right off is a good way of making friends, because it will show them both your physical upper body strength as well as your strength as a good hugger. You will wow them even more if you don’t let go. Ever.

Happy hugging,

Valerie

John Green gives advice too.

(via effyeahnerdfighters)

Anonymous Asks:

i hate myself :-)

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Honey, I would hate me too if I were using noses in smiley faces. Come on, sugar, it’s not 2007.

JK, #realtalk: you’re fabulous like marshmallows are fabulous (here’s a hint: everyone wants marshmallows and you in the summer time). Get off your self pity swing and do something. There’s nothing the YLSB crew hates more than pitiful whiners, so shut up the self-hate and we’ll love you.

Promise.

Elika

Anonymous Asks:

My boyfriend thinks it's weird that I go to the bathroom while on the phone with him.... really? Is this unacceptable?

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Quick poll of dinner table shows: all females say no, go for it! Resident male says: eww, that is gross.

I say, try to keep your business on the quiet side and no one has to know what’s going on. Everyone wins: your bladder and your boyfriend!

Elika

Dear Petrified Pee-er,

Nothing that they don’t hear is gross.

Sincerely, Valerie

Anonymous Asks:

How do I keep my cat from being such a b****?

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Show yo cat who is boss. Put it in a box and set it out by the street. I’m sure it will be nice to it’s new owner.

Sincerely,

allergic

Anonymous Asks:

Who should I vote for in the ASUAF elections?

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Obviously us. Duh. Write in “Your Life Sucks, Bro” for ASUAF Student Body President.

Sincerely,

Elika

Anonymous Asks:

Dear LYSB, My best friend recently told me that he was coming out gay. Naturally, I was very supportive and caring, and because he was honest with me, I confessed my secret: that I had actually been crushing on him. Turns out, his "honesty" was a well designed April Fool's prank, and ever since, he's been tormenting me and laughing about every tender thing I said. He's such an a**hole, but I still love him! How do I get revenge?

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear crushin,

Literally take a whole orange and smash it onto his forehead. Then exclaim “You’ve been CRUSHED.”

You better smash hard or the orange will not burst,

Denali

Anonymous Asks:

Dear YLSB, One of my guy friends is crushing on me, and slipped a box of chocolates into my bag when I wasn't looking. I know I have to tell him I'm not interested in his attention, but what do I do with the chocolate? I know it's rude to return gifts, but I feel guilty in accepting the love when I can't return it. How do I get out of this situation without being a terrible friend?

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear friend-zoning girl,

EAT THE CHOCOLATE. That is always the answer to any problem.

NOM NOM NOM,

Denali

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Dear Crushed-by-chocolate,

I think a poetic way to reject his advances would be to melt all of the chocolate and then use it to paint a public space (say, dorm room door) with the words “NO WAY, JOSÉ”. Then stomp on the box and leave it shattered, like his heart.

Valerie

Anonymous Asks:

Help! There's this guy who is wooing me with food! He cooks, and bakes, and leaves loaves of bread on my doorstep. Am I blinded by my love for food, or could this be something special?

yourlifesucksbro Said:

Dear Wooed,

This is not something special. He is literally trying to plump you up… so that when he becomes a zombie, your body will be a better food source.

Eat and bite wisely,

Denali

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Dear Blinded by Bread,

This could be something special, but it is more likely an attempt at poisoning. Feed some bread to his dog and then casually mention it and watch his reaction.

Constant vigilance!

Valerie